Steamed_Hams's profile
General stats
20 followers 
36 following 
12427 pts - Champion[?] - 2678th
6264 pts - Racer[?] - 739th
134 pts - 71 challenges won - 353rd
150cc: 16 pts - 5 records - 1751st200cc: 180 pts - 56 records - 79th
965 created circuits - 227 cups
4 challenges created
1 shared character
252 comments on circuits
3 topics followed
About
Description:
Greetings and Salutations, my fellow citizens of the MKPC community.
United States
Registered since 2025-10-27
Last connection: 2026-10-20
Advent Calendar 2025[?]: Snowy Flake
Latest messages on the forum:
Today at 03:52:42 in Space for Anything... again
I fixed the United States (again):
Changes:
1. Louisiana and Arkansas now have slightly more land with the acquisition of small parts of Texas
2. Iowa annexes the southeastern parts of South Dakota
3. Nebraska acquires the southeast parts of Wyoming
4. Arizona, Utah, Wyoming, and Colorado are now split up accordingly by the Colorado River, which eliminates all square shaped states and the four corners, along with change number 5
5. New Mexico and Arizona are split up by the Rio Grand
6. Newer Mexico is now part of New Mexico and no longer exists as a state
7. California's diagonal northeastern border gets extended to a comically large length, acquiring territory from Arizona
8. Montana becomes slightly larger and Billings (the state) becomes slightly smaller as they are now divided by the Rocky Mountains
9. Wyoming gets cut in half, forming a new territory between it and Billings called Mountain Land
10. Billings and Mountain Land become divided by a tributary of the Missouri River
Changes:
1. Louisiana and Arkansas now have slightly more land with the acquisition of small parts of Texas
2. Iowa annexes the southeastern parts of South Dakota
3. Nebraska acquires the southeast parts of Wyoming
4. Arizona, Utah, Wyoming, and Colorado are now split up accordingly by the Colorado River, which eliminates all square shaped states and the four corners, along with change number 5
5. New Mexico and Arizona are split up by the Rio Grand
6. Newer Mexico is now part of New Mexico and no longer exists as a state
7. California's diagonal northeastern border gets extended to a comically large length, acquiring territory from Arizona
8. Montana becomes slightly larger and Billings (the state) becomes slightly smaller as they are now divided by the Rocky Mountains
9. Wyoming gets cut in half, forming a new territory between it and Billings called Mountain Land
10. Billings and Mountain Land become divided by a tributary of the Missouri River
Today at 00:09:34 in Space for Anything... again
I fixed the United States Map:
Changes:
1. New Hampshire and Vermont merge into the new state of New Lincolnshire
2. Pennsylvania acquires the entirety of New Jersey, giving it access to the Atlantic Ocean
3. The western parts of Maryland become West Virginia, as well as parts of Pennsylvania and Ohio
4. The awkwardly shaped western parts of Virginia are annexed by Kentucky
5. North Carolina takes the northeastern parts of Georgia and thus grows larger
6. The Upper Peninsula of Michigan becomes part of Wisconsin
7. Illinois, Arkansas, Kansas, and Nebraska acquire areas of Missouri
8. Iowa slightly dwindles when Missouri takes the southeastern areas the state
9. Arkansas and Louisiana annex the eastern parts of Texas
10. Mississippi takes the parts of Louisiana that are east of the Mississippi River
11. Oklahoma grows when it acquires the north panhandle of Texas
12. The westernmost areas of Texas split into the new state of Newer Mexico
13. Colorado shrinks when its Eastern areas are annexed by Kansas and Nebraska
14. North and South Dakota both acquire small parts of Minnesota
15. The large, eastern half of Montana separates into the new state of Billings
16. Arizona annexes the easternmost parts of California
17. Nevada dwindles when both Arizona and Utah take the eastern parts of the state
18. Montana acquires small parts of Idaho, as well as Oregon
Changes:
1. New Hampshire and Vermont merge into the new state of New Lincolnshire
2. Pennsylvania acquires the entirety of New Jersey, giving it access to the Atlantic Ocean
3. The western parts of Maryland become West Virginia, as well as parts of Pennsylvania and Ohio
4. The awkwardly shaped western parts of Virginia are annexed by Kentucky
5. North Carolina takes the northeastern parts of Georgia and thus grows larger
6. The Upper Peninsula of Michigan becomes part of Wisconsin
7. Illinois, Arkansas, Kansas, and Nebraska acquire areas of Missouri
8. Iowa slightly dwindles when Missouri takes the southeastern areas the state
9. Arkansas and Louisiana annex the eastern parts of Texas
10. Mississippi takes the parts of Louisiana that are east of the Mississippi River
11. Oklahoma grows when it acquires the north panhandle of Texas
12. The westernmost areas of Texas split into the new state of Newer Mexico
13. Colorado shrinks when its Eastern areas are annexed by Kansas and Nebraska
14. North and South Dakota both acquire small parts of Minnesota
15. The large, eastern half of Montana separates into the new state of Billings
16. Arizona annexes the easternmost parts of California
17. Nevada dwindles when both Arizona and Utah take the eastern parts of the state
18. Montana acquires small parts of Idaho, as well as Oregon
On 2026-10-18 at 02:46:33 in Do you have any songs stuck in y...
I was singing Albuquerque (a song by Weird Al yankovic) in front of my mom even tho she hates it. then she accidently started humming the tune and then was like "FRICK!" 
Way back when I was just a little bitty boy
Living in a box under the stairs
In the corner of the basement of the house
Half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait shop
You know the place
Well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy
Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning
My mother would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast
Daww, big bowl of sauerkraut
Every single morning
It was driving me crazy
I said to my mom
I said "Hey, mom, what's up with all the sauerkraut?"
And my dear, sweet mother
She just looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train
And she leaned right down next to me
And she said "It's good for you"
And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth
And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut
Until I was twenty six and a half years old
That's when I swore that someday
Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place
Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer
And the towels are oh so fluffy
Where the Shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long
And anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel
Wacka wacka doo-doo yeah
Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true
Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest
To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt
I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize
That's right, a first class one-way ticket to
Albuquerque
Albuquerque
Oh yeah
You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before
And I gotta tell ya, it was really great
Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women
With excruciatingly severe body odor
And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time
The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts
And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore
And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out
And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside
And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died
Except for me
You know why?
'Cause I had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Ah ha ha ha
Ah ha ha
Ah
So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage
I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days
Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag
And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball
And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel
But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn
Where the towels are oh so fluffy
And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna
It's OK, they're clean
Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C
And I turned on the SpectraVision
And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow
That I love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door
Well now, who could that be?
I say "Who is it?"
No answer
"Who is it?"
There's no answer
"Who is it?"
They're not sayin' anything
So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected
It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril
Oh man, I hate it when I'm right
So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel
And I'm like "Hey, you can't have that"
"That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me"
And he's like "Tough"
And I'm like "Give it"
And he's like "Make me"
And I'm like "'Kay"
So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus
And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows
And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation
Yes indeed, you better believe it
And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook
And twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice
And you know what it said?
I'll tell you what it said
It said
"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"
"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"
"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"
"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"
In Albuquerque
Albuquerque
Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel
But I made a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest
I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice
But first, I decided to buy some donuts
So I got in my car and I drove over to the donuts shop
And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter
And he says "Yeah, what do ya want?"
I said "You got any glazed donuts?"
He said "No, we're outta glazed donuts"
I said "Well, you got any jelly donuts?"
He said "No, we're outta jelly donuts"
I said "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?"
He said "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts"
I said "You got any cinnamon rolls?"
He said "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls"
I said "You got any apple fritters?"
He said "No, we're outta apple fritters"
I said "You got any bear claws?"
He said "Wait a minute, I'll go check"
"No, we're outta bear claws"
I said "Well, in that case, in that case, what do you have?"
He says "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels"
I said "OK, I'll take that"
So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out
And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over
Oh man, they were just going nuts
They were tearin' me apart
You know, I think it was just about that time
That a little ditty started goin' through my head
I believe it went a little something like this
Doh
Get 'em off me
Get 'em off me
Oh
No, get 'em off, get 'em off
Oh, oh God, oh God
Oh, get 'em off me
Oh, oh God
Ah, aah, aah
I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face
Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin'
Like a constipated wiener dog
And as luck would have it
That's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams
Her name was Zelda
She was a calligraphy enthusiast
With a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches
I'll never forget the very first thing she said to me
She said "Hey, you've got weasels on your face"
That's when I knew it was true love
We were inseparable after that
Aw, we ate together, we bathed together
We even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss
The world was our burrito
So we got married and we bought us a house
And had two beautiful children, Nathaniel and Superfly
Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah
But then one fateful night, Zelda said to me
She said "Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?"
I said "Whoa, hold on now, baby"
"I'm just not ready for that kind of a commitment"
So we broke up and I never saw her again
But that's just the way things go
In Albuquerque
Albuquerque
Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me
Because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream
That's right, I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler
I even made employee of the month after I put out that grease fire with my face
Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that
I was gettin' a lot of attitude
Ok, like one time, I was out in the parking lot
Tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil
When I see this guy Marty
Tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself
So I, I say to him, I say "Hey, you want me to help you with that?"
And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes
"No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw"
So I did
And then he gets all indignant on me
He's like "Hey man, I was just being sarcastic"
Well, that's just great
How was I supposed to know that?
I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loud
Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname, Torso-Boy
So what's he complaining about?
Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote
This guy comes up to me on the street
And he tells he hasn't had a bite in three days
Well, I knew what he meant
But just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein
And he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over
And I'm like "Hey, come on, don't you get it?"
But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming
You know, completely missing the irony of the whole situation
Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?
Anyway, um, um, where was I?
Kinda lost my train of thought
Uh, well, uh, OK
Anyway I, I know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying it
But I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is
I hate sauerkraut
That's all I'm really tryin' to say
And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up
And find yourself in an existential quandary
Full of loathing and self-doubt
And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence
At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that
Somewhere out there in this crazy ol' mixed-up universe of ours
There's still a little place called
Albuquerque
Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque
I said "A" (A)
"L" (L)
"B" (B)
"U" (U)
"Querque" (querque)
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque
See all their messages
Best created circuits:
The Best Mario Cards Melting    9 | Mario Kart Spot The Differe... 14 | Tribute to Super Mario Kart... 7 | Wheel Mario 2 5 | Banana Glass 0 |
See all their circuits
Best created challenges:
Ghost Valley Secret Coin
Spirit Field 1: Collect all coins in Time Trial mode, in 200cc, in less than 15s, without touching the walls
Medium Koopa's Koin Kraziness
The Way to Run: Collect all coins in Time Trial mode, in 150cc, without using any item, in less than 1:40, with Koopa, without touching any clock hand
Difficult Nuclear Navigation!
Bowser's Nuclear Reactor: Complete a lap in VS mode, in 110cc, with 1 participant, in less than 30s
Medium See all their challenges
Last circuit comments:
"Seymour! The house is on fire!"
"No, mother, it's just the northern lights."
"Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow, but I must say, you steam a good ham."
"No, mother, it's just the northern lights."
"Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow, but I must say, you steam a good ham."
In Steamed Hams! today at 00:44:23"Superintendent, I hope you're ready for some mouthwatering hamburgers!"
"I thought we were having steamed clams"
"D'oh- no. I said steamed hams. That's what I call hamburgers."
"You call hamburgers steamed hams?"
"Yes, it's a regional dialect."
"Uh-huh. What region?"
"Uh, upstate New York."
"Really? Well I'm from Utica and I've never heard anyone use the phrase 'steamed hams.'"
"Oh, not in Utica, no. It's an Albany expression."
"I see. You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krustyburger."
"Oh, no. Patented Skinner Burgers. Old family recipe."
"For steamed hams."
"Yes, yes"
"And you call them steamed hams despite the fact they are obviously grilled."
"Ye- You know, the- One thing I should- -Excuse me for one second."
"Of course."
"Well that was wonderful. A good time was had by all. I'm pooped."
"Yes, I should be- GOOD LORD WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THERE?!"
"Aurora borealis."
"Aurora borealis?! At this time of year, at this time of day, localized entirely within your own kitchen?!"
"Yes."
"May I see it?"
"No."
"I thought we were having steamed clams"
"D'oh- no. I said steamed hams. That's what I call hamburgers."
"You call hamburgers steamed hams?"
"Yes, it's a regional dialect."
"Uh-huh. What region?"
"Uh, upstate New York."
"Really? Well I'm from Utica and I've never heard anyone use the phrase 'steamed hams.'"
"Oh, not in Utica, no. It's an Albany expression."
"I see. You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krustyburger."
"Oh, no. Patented Skinner Burgers. Old family recipe."
"For steamed hams."
"Yes, yes"
"And you call them steamed hams despite the fact they are obviously grilled."
"Ye- You know, the- One thing I should- -Excuse me for one second."
"Of course."
"Well that was wonderful. A good time was had by all. I'm pooped."
"Yes, I should be- GOOD LORD WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THERE?!"
"Aurora borealis."
"Aurora borealis?! At this time of year, at this time of day, localized entirely within your own kitchen?!"
"Yes."
"May I see it?"
"No."
In Steamed Hams! today at 00:42:03"Well, Seymour, I made it... despite your directions."
"Ah, Superintendent Chalmers, welcome. I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable luncheon."
"Nyeh"
"Oh egads! My roast is ruined! But what if... I were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking? Oh ho ho ho ho, delightfully devilish, Seymour."
"Ah-"
"Superintendent, I was just- uh, just stretching my calves on the windowsill. Isometric exercise. Care to join me?"
"Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Seymour?"
"Uh- Oh, that isn't smoke, it's steam. Steamed from the steamed clams we're having. Mmm, steamed clams! Whew."
"Ah, Superintendent Chalmers, welcome. I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable luncheon."
"Nyeh"
"Oh egads! My roast is ruined! But what if... I were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking? Oh ho ho ho ho, delightfully devilish, Seymour."
"Ah-"
"Superintendent, I was just- uh, just stretching my calves on the windowsill. Isometric exercise. Care to join me?"
"Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Seymour?"
"Uh- Oh, that isn't smoke, it's steam. Steamed from the steamed clams we're having. Mmm, steamed clams! Whew."
In Steamed Hams! today at 00:27:31See all their comments
Last completed challenges:
Koopa's Koin Kraziness
The Way to Run: Collect all coins in Time Trial mode, in 150cc, without using any item, in less than 1:40, with Koopa, without touching any clock hand
Difficult When he hears Skinner's lame exaggerations they'll be traveling town tonight! SEYMOUR!
Steamed Hams!: Finish the game in the 1st position
Easy Ohohoho nooo, patented Skinner Burgers! Old family recipe! ...for Steamed Hams? Yes!
Steamed Hams!: Survive more than 3:00
Easy See all completed challenges
Best time trial records:
| Rank | Class | Circuit | Character | Time |
| 75th | 200cc | Rainbow Road |
|
1:40:844 |
| 77th | 200cc | Shroom Ridge |
|
1:26:950 |
| 78th | 200cc | Rainbow Road |
|
1:24:187 |
See all their records
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